Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!