The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen