I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.