Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.