Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
No laws when master is gone
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party