Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
December birthdays be like…
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.