Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
They’re on their honeymoon
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I think they could have phrased this better
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.