the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Taco Bell, Exit 22
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
No, I don’t think I will.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”