[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others