My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
this is uni
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is