Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Noah was an idiot.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
necessity is the mother of invention
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”