[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Hell yeah 👍
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.