I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
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[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
all that yoga finally paid off
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party