i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
oh shit
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.