When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect