I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
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Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Finally!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table