Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
You Might Also Like
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”