[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
one last job
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense