Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn