WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
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I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.