[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I know karate and tons of other words.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here