*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
You Might Also Like
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
That eye roll….
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”