Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup