A leaf blower, but for people.
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars