It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
You Might Also Like
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.