I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.