Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.