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Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
become ungovernable
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.