Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me