BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.