My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!