Based Erika
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one