The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
You Might Also Like
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
That eye roll….
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV