IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Left at a local drug store…
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?