People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee