i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
describing stardew valley
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough