Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t