I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
all that yoga finally paid off
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.