ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Good morning.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.