me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 馃檪
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I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
That鈥檚 *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can鈥檛 abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 馃槶
So society鈥檚 *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It鈥檚 the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
And that about sums it up.
I鈥檓 sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I鈥檓 a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol