[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
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Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
how to market bottled water to dads
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon