No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.