Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
welp
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.