Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.