toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
You Might Also Like
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care