[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.