I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
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This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why