I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The Others (2001)