me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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