Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
You Might Also Like
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.